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| Perspectives. |
Yesterday afternoon I was having coffee with a beautiful woman at a cafe by the sea, white-capped waves buffeting the golden sand, and our conversation turned to the concept of self-confidence. Nearby our daughter stuffed pieces of watermelon the size of her hand into her mouth. I realised that often what I consider self-confidence in myself is a product of skewed perspectives. What I think I interpret as 'self-confidence' is how I feel about how others view me at that point in time, rather than how I feel about myself. If I feel like others are thinking positively of me, THEN I can feel confident. Ironically, the 'self' of self-confidence is not about self at all, but about others. 'Others'-confidence. I started to wonder about how a healthy sense of self-confidence can be developed which is primarily drawn from one's perspective of oneself.
What are the traits of self-confidence that I would like to develop? Is it to be good at my job and to know that others acknowledge that? Or is it a social-performance based idea, such as being able to stand in front of a group of people and tell witty stories? Or am I talking about the image that is portrayed through social media where photos of me smiling, socialising, and living a 'successful' life are a reflection of my own confidence? These are all things which I do/have done and which have bolstered rickety feelings of this flawed 'others'-confidence.
But I am grasping at defining a simpler and deeper concept of self-confidence. I am wanting to develop something that is characterised by authenticity and genuineness. A quiet awareness of who I am with my strengths and weaknesses, acknowledging them without fear and living 'wholeheartedly'. Probably something that is bigger and has a spiritual aspect to it; a confidence from someone greater than myself. It's something about being content with my innate changeableness as a human being, the vagaries of my personality, and the balance of selfishness/kindness, empathy/self-protection, and any other number of dichotomies which we all embody. I would like self-confidence to be accepting of myself, but aiming to develop the simplicity of existence and thoroughness of relationships to which I aspire. What others make of that is out of my control. Brene Brown puts it well (as she usually does):
'[I]n this world, choosing authenticity and worthiness is an absolute act of resistance. Choosing to live and love with our whole hearts is an act of defiance. You're going to confuse, piss off, and terrify lots of people - including yourself. One minute you'll pray that the transformation stops, and the next minute you'll pray that it never ends. You'll also wonder how you can feel so brave and so afraid at the same time. At least that's how I feel most of the time...brave, afraid, and very, very alive.' (The Gifts of Imperfection)
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| A nice pic. Nothing more. |
How do you define self-confidence, and how important is it to you?
Interesting, bro. Never thought of it quite that way.
ReplyDeleteBriefly, I tend to think self-confidence, self-faith, self-belief, and self-reliance are Satan's chief attributes, and that he wants to duplicate these traits in us.
When Jesus says things like, "you cannot turn even one hair white or black..." and "man is like the grass––here today, gone tomorrow" I think one of the important take-aways is, if you're going to put your confidence in something (and you are) put it in something solid.
I suspect self-confidence eludes most of us because it is a pursuit of constancy in something inconstant, namely myself.
Jesus says to build on the Rock of his words, not on one's positive regard for oneself.
Just wanting to add to the conversation; not to argue.
I like that - putting our confidence in something 'solid' - which is what, we as humans, often are not. I think that's what I clumsily alluded to when I referred to 'the vagaries of my personality' and all the innate contradictions that I embody. A 'confidence from someone greater than myself' which allows me to be 'okay' with all these ambiguous contradictions which I see in me...
DeleteI like that...living 'with fidelity'. Fidelity to our principles, our beliefs, our obligation of kindness, love and generosity towards others. I suppose if they were our aims, and what we lived towards, then it matters less what others think of us, and therefore how we react to them.
ReplyDelete