what if?

What if the world stopped turning because I stopped worrying about things?

What if my energy levels dropped too low because I was not trying to figure out how to maintain them?

What if my future options became too limited and I then had cause for regret because I did not furiously research every possible opportunity?

What if my health suffers later because I did not enforce enough discipline now?

What if all my relationships flounder because I did not dedicate enough energy and attention to each of them?

What if I am impatient and unkind and insensitive because I can't solve the world's (my small world's) hurt?

What if I am not the father I want to be because I fixate on avoiding the things I do not want to be?

What if I wasn't content because I so anxiously tried to avoid discontent?

*************

What if we breathed slower and deeper, and relaxed before we made the effort to worry?

What if we embraced our bed tonight, and not our tiredness tomorrow?

What if we believed that tomorrow's path would unfold by itself?

What if we were here and present with those around us now?

What if we enjoyed today's strength, and didn't scold today's weakness?

What if we hoped and trusted instead of acting with suspicion and doubt?

What if we lived as if change is always possible?

Hope fades into the world of night

Through shadows falling out of memory and time

Don't say, We have come now to the end

White shores are calling

You and I will meet again

And you'll be here in my arms

Just sleeping

                                                                                               (A. Lennox, Into the West)

God, let our weakness fade in the tide of your strength,

Let our doubts be submerged in your hope,

May our failures disappear over the waterfall of your ever-new beginnings,

And let our fears sink in the stillness of your peace.

Amen.

perspectives on self-confidence

One of the things I am enjoying about blogging is that snatches of conversations, waif-like thoughts, and new perspectives on old concepts now have a space in which I can explore them further. I used to journal a lot, but I became tired of introverted and self-referential musings. Due to the fact that someone else may happen across these words out there in the ether, I am motivated to spend some time crafting and ordering my thoughts, aiming at some kind of productive resolution, or at least a realistic next step. (I think one of the pure joys of being a writer would be this absorbing and internalising of the world around, and then re-ordering and re-voicing it through words on a page.)

Perspectives.

Yesterday afternoon I was having coffee with a beautiful woman at a cafe by the sea, white-capped waves buffeting the golden sand, and our conversation turned to the concept of self-confidence. Nearby our daughter stuffed pieces of watermelon the size of her hand into her mouth. I realised that often what I consider self-confidence in myself is a product of skewed perspectives. What I think I interpret as 'self-confidence' is how I feel about how others view me at that point in time, rather than how I feel about myself. If I feel like others are thinking positively of me, THEN I can feel confident. Ironically, the 'self' of self-confidence is not about self at all, but about others. 'Others'-confidence. I started to wonder about how a healthy sense of self-confidence can be developed which is primarily drawn from one's perspective of oneself. 

What are the traits of self-confidence that I would like to develop? Is it to be good at my job and to know that others acknowledge that? Or is it a social-performance based idea, such as being able to stand in front of a group of people and tell witty stories? Or am I talking about the image that is portrayed through social media where photos of me smiling, socialising, and living a 'successful' life are a reflection of my own confidence? These are all things which I do/have done and which have bolstered rickety feelings of this flawed 'others'-confidence.

But I am grasping at defining a simpler and deeper concept of self-confidence. I am wanting to develop something that is characterised by authenticity and genuineness. A quiet awareness of who I am with my strengths and weaknesses, acknowledging them without fear and living 'wholeheartedly'. Probably something that is bigger and has a spiritual aspect to it; a confidence from someone greater than myself. It's something about being content with my innate changeableness as a human being, the vagaries of my personality, and the balance of selfishness/kindness, empathy/self-protection, and any other number of dichotomies which we all embody. I would like self-confidence to be accepting of myself, but aiming to develop the simplicity of existence and thoroughness of relationships to which I aspire. What others make of that is out of my control. Brene Brown puts it well (as she usually does): 

'[I]n this world, choosing authenticity and worthiness is an absolute act of resistance. Choosing to live and love with our whole hearts is an act of defiance. You're going to confuse, piss off, and terrify lots of people - including yourself. One minute you'll pray that the transformation stops, and the next minute you'll pray that it never ends. You'll also wonder how you can feel so brave and so afraid at the same time. At least that's how I feel most of the time...brave, afraid, and very, very alive.' (The Gifts of Imperfection)

A nice pic. Nothing more.

How do you define self-confidence, and how important is it to you?

being thankful

A lot of how we live our lives in the west is the antithesis of 'simple'. The way our finances are conducted, our homes are paid, the bureaucracy of our governments, the demands of our careers - all drain us of energy whether we are always aware of it or not. Is there an attitude we can adopt, or even a way of living, that acknowledges these complexities but does not let them drain us? At times I can feel resentful that things demand so much time and energy...and then I dream of a tropical island full of nothingness, where I raise a healthy little brood of children, and me and my tropical princess feed them on fresh fish, coconuts, and eggs from a happy flock of hens...

Short of this, I want to live here and now, not simply suppressing reality but engaging with it and not feeling overwhelmed by it.

I think one important key to being able to do this is by being thankful. Too often I look past beauty and kindness and goodness all around me, and choose to see that which annoys me, or takes from me, or which is complicated. I don't want to just mindlessly speak thankful words in the hope that by some magical process of neurolinguistic programming I become a more grateful human being; I want to peel back the complicated layers of living and grasp all the good, simple, beautiful things that there are. That I have.

Simple things for which I am thankful...

Didgeridoo, coffee, bluberry danish on a Saturday morning at the market.

I will always be thankful for these blues.



Soul-restoring book-browsing at the market.

small beginnings

For some months I've been toying with the idea of 'the simple life'. The phrase came to me one sleepless night whilst I was wondering about how I could live more conscientiously. I was going through a period of often feeling drained and lacklustre, grey and blobby; wanting change and progress and challenge and excitement, but mostly ending up frustrated at my own inertness. I started to wonder about realistic goals I could set. Ah, goals! What a wonder of modern-day pop psychology. The be-all and end-all of accomplishment. I started to think of goals with pretty low energy requirements requiring little prerequisites. And I settled, rather unconsciously and fortuitously, on this: the simple life.

Most days I feel like I am precariously juggling my time, responsibilities, energy, patience, generosity, and all the other finite resources that each of us are allotted. I realise I am in no way unique, and it's been by observing some other people that I see glimpses and shades of how they wage this war. It appears that some people more naturally adopt a rhythm which gives themselves greater space to breathe deeper and slower than, for example, I do. Learning how to do this is not something that I think will be nonchalantly acquired by osmosis. It's a practice I want to form.

I decided to blog about it for a number of reasons. Firstly, I want to develop a space which allows me to exercise creativity and expression. Modern life does not naturally encourage this, and I feel a scarcity of these practices in my daily experience. Sometimes I feel a craving for creativity that is akin to the desire for solitude, or exercise, or time with loved ones. It is a fundamental part of being human; but it does not just happen. I work in a non-creative environment, so I need to build it into my life.

Secondly, I want to share it with you. Many of you are beacons to me personally in a murky, busy, maelstrom of activity; beacons of imperfect conscientious existence, living humbly according to your principles, and being consequential in the decisions you make. It's an homage to what I have learned from you, and an attempt at pushing on with determination to live our three score years and ten abundantly and pointedly, and with conviction. (Yet in a super relaxed, hessian, Birkenstock manner. With no pressure.)

What do I mean by the simple life? It's admirably ambiguous allowing me to do with it as I wish. Perfect. I imagine some kind of ideal where distractions are minimised and where time is spent on those things which are truly important - no matter how small they may be. I want to think about nature and our relation to it. I want to think about how we can be less caught-up in worrying and obssessing. I want to explore how I can be simpler in my relationships instead of over-analysing others and myself. I want to explore how I can be free of the confines of the constant barrage of technological stimulus, yet still appreciate, for example, this flexible and exciting way of communicating with people. I want to reignite my passion for books and value the time given to them. I want to consider how faith can be simplified, and how it too can be an advocate of simple, yet outward-looking living. I want to learn about sustainable living. I want to be inspired by music. I want to consider the effects of active living beyond the mere physical health benefits. I want to think about my family and friends and what I learn from and appreciate about them. I want to consider my job as a means of supporting this simple life - a job which daily forces me to grapple and wrestle with life which, for many, is in no way simple.

Essentially it's idealistic and esoteric. But I believe that taking the time to think and reflect will make future decisions spontaneously considered. We will make decisions based on our distilled, contemplated values which promote and protect that which is precious to us.

Coffee in the garden in my cup from Crail. A truly noble pursuit.

Thinking back to my insomniac epiphany a few months ago, I realise this is more likely to be a journey than a goal, and it will require more effort than I previously planned upon. But hopefully the journey creates energy and time and space rather than depletes them, like some other epitome of achievement which would require exponential effort to maintain once I had it. I hope you enjoy the recorded thoughts and feelings, and that they, in some small way, remind you of the importance of the simple life. 

Shorter, simpler posts to follow.