the fear of freedom

Freedom is something I aspire to. It was always an elusive dream, a theoretical time and place where I would feel unencumbered by responsibility, constraints, expectations. I didn't have a concrete plan of how to get there; I just hoped that I would muddle along until I found myself in a wide open space where I could breathe easily and my cares would float away. But like all good things, it's hard to come by, and having cares and responsibilites are not excluded in this life I have chosen.

Summer seems so distant in the middle of winter, and as chill winds rob me of my idyll of wearing a few scraps of material and thongs (flip-flops, before you get too alarmed), I remember searing heat and the cooling sea. I feel like an orbiting planet, sometimes being obscured from the sun, wanting to beat gravity and be planted somewhere for a while, steady and sure. Rooted, yet free. Like the seasons and with the predictability of gravity, life will come and go, much of it outside my control. How do I maximise my use of the parts which I can control?

Pursuing freedom is wrought with fear, because, by definition, it means doing away with certainties. It means living with longings and aims, yet trying to be present and grateful in the present. You don't gain freedom by doing what you have always done where you have always been (unless you purely want to feel free to do that with no expectations of anything else. And good on you if you can do that.) It means sacrificing temporary comfort; 'comfort', to strengthen greatly. It is to feel weak and vulnerable, with the hope of greater fortitude gained in the long term. Yet freedom will not necessarily always correlate with feelings of strength and wholeness. It may demand a lifestyle of second-guessing, checking, self-questioning. 'Am I living in freedom? Have I sacrificed freedom for comfort? And if so, is that what I want?'

Freedom, for me, over the past months, has meant preparing to uproot again. It has meant planning to leave the familiar, putting great effort in to achieving the unfamiliar. By making choices we gain a sense of utility and potency. It is a truly great privilege to be able to make choices; it can also be the curse of our age. I am thankful for the experience I have gained of making decisions - big decisions - and seeing them turn out well. This in itself emphasises the freedom I have. We learn how to be free, and we learn that it is not a miracle which is handed us prettily wrapped. We work at freedom.

And is this freedom-seeking just a journal of personal fulfillment? If so, is that a bad thing? Or can pursuing our own ideals free us to be individuals who are more equipped to be a power for good where we are? I sincerely believe the latter, within the context of us being people who actually want to be forces for good and positive change. We are not, however, intrinsically altruistic beings. We seek our own safety and peace, and our families, and we then try to widen our circle of positive influence. Can we be more influential by maximising our own freedom, freeing us to use our gifts or love or money or time to bless others? I think so.

Don't trust financial certainty.
Test job fulfilment and security.
Trust relationship quality.
Remember that health is fickle.

And if all that means loving what you are doing, where you are now, do it wholeheartedly. This is freedom, in all its beautiful scariness. I think we will affect our world greatly if we live with an appreciation of this.